Hard Days

Yesterday we got the news that the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes. Today I found out I'm Stage 3b. I feel like I've been hit been hit by a truck a few times. My heart aches to rewind to a month ago when cancer was just a bad thing that happened to other people. Not me. Not mothers. Not 27 year olds. Not people who laugh as much as I do.

But it does. And it's not fair. And it sucks. And I'm ok admitting that. Because not everyday is going to feel positive. I can allow myself bad days. I will cry, I will feel sad, angry and helpless. And tomorrow I will pick myself up and start over. Tomorrow I will find courage and strength. Tomorrow I will ooze positivity. But not today. Today I just need to cry.

Kambrie asked me if the cancer was gone. I told her no. She started to cry and said but we sent balloons to heaven! Oh Kambrie. How badly mom wanted to say yes. To show you that faith always heals. That life works that way every time. I feel like I let her down.

I am kicking myself so bad for not going in right away. Why did I wait 6 months? Why did I think it was no big deal? Would it have made a difference? No one knows. But my mind has a hard time forgiving itself for that. Hind sight sure is noisy and a distraction.

Besides how heavy my heart is I am still so thankful. I had one of the worst days of my life and I still laughed countless times today. I had friends drop in, call me and send me amazing messages. My mother in law hung around all day just so I wouldn't be alone and even cleaned my bathrooms :) My kids told me they loved me many times and my husband rushed home just so I could lay in bed and cry. I am so blessed to not have to have a bad day alone. Or without support. So thank you. Thank you for making my bad day slightly better <3

Kambrie made me this picture. I love her so much. She is so thoughtful.

Goodbye stitches!

Today is the day! Stitches come out.. All one gazillion of them. We also get the results about my lymph nodes. So all things crossed!

Excuse my face in this picture. I couldn't figure out what to do with my face in it when I'm taking a picture of the side of my face. When I smiled I looked like a creeper, when I was serious I looked mad and when I made a funny face I looked like a nut job. So I went with duck face. I know I have many friends and family who will harass me over this. But please people... I have cancer on my face. I get a free pass for duck face. ;)

Say prayers! Good news! Positive thoughts! Let it be gone!

<3 to you all!

Ps. I added the smiling picture just to prove it to you. Total creeper. Duck face wins.

Pss. Still very sad about my shaved hair. It will grow back someday... Right? :(

Balloons from Montana!

I have support in so many places! My sister and her family in Montana released balloons for me. I am so so lucky to have such a huge support system. I wake up every morning knowing that I'm loved and that I have tons of people behind me. That is such a blessing.

I love my sister so much! I wish we lived closer to each other. I am lucky to have grown up to be best friends with my sister :) she's amazing! Thank you Alyssa and Casey! I love you both so much. And I have the cutest nephew in the world. Just sayin'....

Magical Moments

Today I got down on the floor and played with my baby. The floor needed to be vacuumed, the dishes weren't done and we still need to get dressed... But I ignored them all! Karston and I giggled and laughed and spent a good hour just playing. It was perfect. The best I've felt all week. One of those moments in life where you wish you could freeze time.

But then he pooped. Magical moment out the window. But for one hour it was just what I needed :)

Grandparents

My lovely grandparents came up from St. George to see me. It was so nice of them to drive so far just to stay a couple hours. But we had fun. And you can clearly see that a fantastic sense of humor runs in the family :) Thanks for your support Grandpa and Thea!

Humble

This year I wanted a Charlie Brown tree. Tiny. Simple. Humble. I guess I wanted it to reflect how I'm feeling this year.

Danny was not thrilled by my choice of tree. I think he's coming around to it though. ;)

As I was decorating the house my mind was wandering to things it usually doesn't at this time of year, but probably should. Things like gratitude for simple things like the many dinners that friends have brought in. Gratitude for big things too. Like answered prayers. Danny has obviously not been working tons and money has been extremely tight. The night before the surgery a package was left on our door with $70 worth of gold dollar coins in it. Just enough to pay for gas to get to SLC and back. I have no clue who left that, but they answered a prayer I had been praying all day. I am so humbled.

Gratitude for things like amazing friends and family who have gathered around me in ways I never knew possible through all this.

Gratitude for the kind words, the helping hands and the kindness. Never in my life have I been the recipient of so much kindness. Once again, I am humbled.

So as I sit and look at my tiny tree it reminds me of how I am one small person part of Heavenly Fathers big plan. And this year Christmas means a whole lot more to me. I'm more concerned with the feeling than what's under the tree.

I pray my kids can feel it. That they will one day look back and remember these holidays and what they brought to our family. So much love. We were humbled. We were scared. We were stressed. But we were happy.

May we never forget.

My babies

Missing my babies so so much right now. :(
I can't help it. They're extremely cute.
Can't wait for them to get home so I can kiss their cheeks and little hands.

I love them. I love them. I love them. And there's only like an 80% chance this is the Lortab talking ;)

One mole

Think it's silly to go get your moles checked? Think skin cancer isn't that big of a deal? Think one sun burn isn't going to hurt you?

I used to think like that. No longer though. Skin cancer is extremely serious. More people die every year from skin cancer than all the other cancers combined. So please... Wear sun screen. Get your moles checked. It could save your life.

Precious

Today I got to cuddle with a little baby for a while. I snuggled her close, I breathed in her wonderful baby smell and I soaked in her innocence. Just what I needed on a day like today.

When she saw me she didn't flinch or act grossed out. She just smiled. And that's all I needed. Nothing like a sweet baby straight from heaven to put things in perspective.

Right now I am missing my own babies terribly. I am so very thankful that my inlaws were willing to take them so I could lay in bed and do nothing... But my mom heart sure does find it hard to be away from them. They are the very reason for my existence and they could not possibly be more loved than they are.

But they'll be back soon. And the house will once again be filled with fighting, and tattling and scattered toys. And I will once again be ready to pull my hair out and just want a nap :)

And that's the moment I will try to remember tonight. When I held sweet baby Finley in my arms and felt so close to heaven. And I could think of nothing more than kissing my own sweet babies on the head and whispering goodnight. How lucky I am to be a mother. I have so much to fight for.

T-shirts

These are a general idea of what the shirts will look like. These pictures are only a proof... So they may vary slightly. And the colors are not exact. My name will be on there somewhere.... And I know you all want to wear my name on you! So go order!! :)

Lortab

Lortab is my new best friend. But I am at home and recovering. My kids have been shipped off to the inlaws and my poor husband gets the fun task of doting on me 24/7. Hoping my face looks better than it feels :) The doctors had to shave the hair above my ear... Probably the thing I'm most upset about hahaha! Thanks for all the prayers friends. And if this post makes no sense you can blame it on the drugs.

Lymphoscinitgraphy- it's really as fun as it sounds ;)

Radio active dye. Injections into my cheek. Sharpie on my face. Good times. Good times.

Preparing for lymphoscintigraphy! (Yay)

Prayer Balloons from Washington

My family is scattered across a few states, so when hard things pop up it makes us sad that we can't be together. 

But I have the best family ever. 

My brother Garrett and my soon to be sister in law Taylor were so thoughtful, they decided to send balloons to Heaven from Washington! 

As you can imagine Kambrie was SO thrilled. 

I woke up to these pictures on Facebook. 

Thank you SO SO much Garrett and Taylor for all of your support. Don't know what I'd do without fabulous siblings behind me! 

 Even my kitty nephew Sebby made me a balloon. He was terrified of it! haha

Prayer Balloons

I have the sweetest 5 year old in the world. 

No really, I do. 

The night we found I had cancer Kambrie came into my room and said, "Mom, I know what will help. We could write notes and if we could just get enough money for balloons we could tie the notes to the balloons and send them to heaven. Then Heavenly Father will know how to fix your cancer." 

I cried. Of course. Then I told her we would do it some time. 

Two weeks went by and Kambrie reminded me every.single.day. 

And every single time I told her "soon". 

The last time she asked about it I could see how important it was to her in her eyes. They were filled with tears as she begged me, "Mom, we MUST do it before your surgery!!" 

She then told me we needed as many balloons as possible so I needed to write it on Facebook. I did just what she asked and prayed that when we got to the park that afternoon she wasn't disappointed when no one showed up ;) 

But people did show up. Lots of them. Kambrie was elated. My friends wrote wonderful, kind prayers and thoughts on their balloons and on the count of three we sent them to heaven. 

Right after the balloons were in the air I looked at Kambrie's face and I was so touched. 

Her face had the look of a child that believed. She truly believed this was going to help. To make a difference. She was beaming and just so proud. 

Up until that point I had thought we were doing this to help Kambrie. To make her feel like she was helping. 

I was wrong though, it was also for me. 

Kambrie showed me Faith like I had never seen before. 

If we could only all be like a 5 year old when it comes to faith. 

So thank you my sweet Kambrie for showing your mom such strong faith during such a hard time. 

When we got home the girls were so excited talking about how pretty Heaven would look when all the balloons showed up. And how Heavenly Father would be so surprised when those balloons knocked at his door. (Lol) Their comments made me giggle and I would not trade their innocence for the world. They have asked me many times since if I'm feeling any better. Then they tell me as soon as He get the balloons I'll feel so much better. And that the balloons are going to help Heavenly Father know exactly how to cure my cancer. Angels. 

Kynzee's balloon

 There they go!

 Kambrie watching the balloons go

 On their way to heaven

 The Brittany's. My bests and such good support :)

 Danny my incredible husband

 All the kids. Love them all!

 Kambrie- the 5 year old who started it all :)

My wonderful friend Brittany Cascio from Cascio Photography took all the beautiful pictures for us. Thank you so much Britt! And thank you to each person who came and stood out in the freezing cold!