Results Eve

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

  Well here I am. The day I stressed and worried over for 6 weeks. Is it working? Is it worse? We'll know tomorrow. So no matter how little I sleep tonight, how much I worry, or how much dread I feel, tomorrow will come. I'll have an answer and a plan and life will go on. But to get to tomorrow, I have to get through tonight, and tonight is the killer.

  "Results Eve" is by far the most stressful time to get through in this whole cancer journey. You know something is coming. You just don't know what. It starts about the time your day starts winding down. You get through dinner, you tuck the kids in, you sit down to relax. BAM. There it is. The anxiety, the unknown, the fear. All of those emotions just sitting there waiting to crawl into your head. Be positive! Be hopeful! These are all things repeated to me over and over by loved ones and friends. Most of the time you can find many things to focus on that are positive. Not on Results Eve though. Not tonight. It's too real now. It's staring me in the face and anything hopeful I've found over the past 6 weeks quickly disappear.

  I'll tell you what eats at me the most. It's simple. My kids. I know that tomorrow I'll see them and they'll ask how the doctor went. They'll sit their with their hopeful innocent faces and I'll have to answer them. My answer will either cause them extreme joy or extreme devastation. There is no in between in cancer. Knowing that I face that tomorrow is what will keep me up tonight. It's why my pillow will be wet with tears. It's why I'll plead for hours with God to just give me good news. I'll beg, I'll bargain, I'll literally promise anything to just be able to give them good news tomorrow.

  Heartbreaks happen in life. My kids have many to face. When they don't make the team, when kids are mean, when their date is a jerk. It's coming. It's life. So my prayers tonight will be filled with pleadings that those are their heartbreaks. Not me. Just don't let their Mom be the one who breaks their hearts. I don't want to do it again.

But there's no escaping tomorrow. So ready, set, go. Ready or not, here it comes.


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