Less Than

Saturday, May 3, 2014

I ended cancer treatment just over a year ago. In 100 years the memories will still be there. It never really goes away. I still remember the sounds, the smells, the nausea. The empty feeling that lingers deep down. The feeling of helplessness that comes over everyone's faces. It was a long and hard fight. I won.   

Some days I wonder who I'm kidding though. Won? No. Not me. I don't see a winner in the mirror. I see sadness. I see a broken and beaten body. I see everything I lost. 

Today I was brushing the hair on my head. I say that because it's not my hair. My hair was long and smooth and blonde. This hair is short, curly and brown. It's not mine. I didn't want this. 

As I was brushing my hair I saw some blonde hairs. I was elated! I had found "me"! "Me" was still in there. In the sea of ugly, plain brown there was beauty. I can't describe how excited I was. 

But then I realized something. Those weren't blonde hairs. They were grey hairs. Grey?! I don't have grey hair. That's not me. I was so mad I pulled them out. And then I began to cry. 

I sat down on the floor and cried. I cried for the beautiful hair I lost. I cried for the face I miss. I cried for who I've become. Those stupid stupid grey hairs. 

I have 3 kids. So crying time on the floor couldn't last long. They were pounding on the door like I had been in there for 3 hours instead of 3 minutes. Suck it up Brittany. You don't have time to fall apart. So off I went. 

Now they're in bed. The house is quiet and I can dwell on the heaviness that sits on my chest. I've thought all day about just why I was so upset over 3 little grey hairs. Is it because I'm feeling old? No. What is it? I realized it's not the hairs at all. 

What bothers me the most is how cancer has made me feel after. Cancer took something from me that I am not supposed to feel. We are not supposed to be vain. We are not supposed to say it out loud. 

Cancer has made me feel worse than just ugly. It has made me feel "less than". 

Less than the normal people around me. With normal hair and normal faces. Less than the people with normal health issues and normal worries. Less than is a horrible feeling. I try to hide it but it's really, really hard sometimes. 

So I started wondering why do I feel less than? Who told me I'm less than? No one has said that to me. No one has pointed and laughed at me. No one has told me I'm hideous. People are always so kind. 

Right after cancer treatment we up and moved to Texas. Imagine the most physically awkward time in your life. When you were in that horrible preteen stage and nothing worked together quite right on you. And then you up and move to a new place. Try making friends when you feel like an ugly duckling. 

That's me. 

That's what I'm going though right now.  I've had such a hard time because I'm trying to have people get to know me but I don't feel like my outside reflects my inside at all. I just went through this huge growing stage on the inside. I've learned new things, fought hard battles and become so strong inside for the most part. 

Not on the outside though. The outside needs work. I've lost every ounce of myself on the outside. I didn't want to, but I did. So what now? 

I want to feel sparkly on the outside. I know that's who I am inside. I want to see bright and happy. Bubbly and vibrant. Those things are me. That's who I am. Am I less than? No. I feel alive inside. I want to look alive on the outside now too. 
I realize this whole post might make me sound like a crazy lunatic. But I figure oh well! I made this blog to be 100% honest. I finished cancer treatment a year ago, yes. However, I am still dealing with the after math of cancer every day. Sometimes it's pretty, other times it's ugly. I choose to air both in the hopes of helping someone out there. :) 

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