Mom and Dad

Disclaimer: this post may come across as preachy and self righteous. It is in no way meant that way :)

I met a mother of a cancer patient at a dinner we went to and my heart broke for her. I hate having cancer. It sucks and there are days I wish I never had to walk this path. But there is one thing that is far worse than having cancer.. And that's having one of your babies have cancer. I simply can not imagine her pain. The night after I met her I came home and said prayers of thanks because that just seems so much worse. And then I prayed for peace for her and her husband. Their trial is so much greater than mine and my heart aches for them.

My mom has told me several times through all this that she wishes it was her. Each time I would just push it aside and be like, yeah right mom. After meeting with this sweet lady I had a new understanding of what she meant. I would go through literally anything if it meant saving my child. I would take on any amount of pain, any amount of sorrow, any amount of loss as long as it meant my baby wouldn't suffer. I know that sweet mother feels that exact same way as do my parents.

So to my wonderful parents both blood and step. And to my amazing siblings, grandparents, friends and family. Thank you so much for wanting to protect me. To shield me from this pain. Thank you for being so willing to sacrifice in the sake of my comfort and well being. It means more than you'll ever know that you would be willing to trade places with me.

Feel guilty no more that it's me, not you. (Their words not mine!) For whatever reason this is just one cross that I chose to bear. I don't want you to hurt. I don't want you to ask, "Why her?" Anymore. There's no point. It is me. And I am so blessed that I get to go through this trial with each of you by my side. We will fight long and hard and the rest is up to Heavenly Father.

This has all made me think of how Heavenly Father must feel as he watches us go through our different struggles. It would be so easy for him to just reach in and fix everything. But that's not the point. We are here to learn and grow, which can only be done by struggling and trials. Eventually we make it through and we end up a much better person than we ever set out to be.

So my dearest Mom and Dad, sleep in peace at night. I'm struggling and fighting. But at the end there's going to be one heck of a human left. Better and more compassionate than before. Cancer bow down, you're just one more trial I must crush before becoming great.

Picking up...

I know it's been forever since I last blogged, but things happened so fast after our insurance approval that I kind of got off track. To be honest once we did get the insurance approval I had a moment where I thought, "Oh crap. This is real. I have to actually do this now." I wasn't sure if I should laugh or cry. That's how blogging took a back seat. :)

The days leading up to the hospital were the absolute worst. There is just nothing worse than leaving your kids. I had severe anxiety over it and cried many tears. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love my kids... Saying goodbye for 5 days was pure torture. As I said goodbye to all of them I had thoughts I didn't want to think like, "What if this is the last time I see them? What if something goes wrong in the hospital?" It was awful. I tried to push those far from my head but it's not as easy as it sounds.

The hospital stay went relatively fast thank goodness. My mom was able to be with me which helped immensely and my husband and mother in law were at home keeping everything together. I did end up in ICU for three days, but in the end it all went as good as can be expected. So many amazing friends and family pushed their needs aside to sit with me, watch my kids and help in any way possible. I hope all of you know just how much that means to me. Facing trials without the people I have around me would be impossible. I am so blessed to have each of you.