Wednesday, December 5, 2012

My scar is actually looking pretty decent. It's too bad they're just going to go cut it open again... And keep cutting clear down my neck. Oh well. If it means I can see my babies grow up, then cut what you need to! Outward beauty is no longer on the top of my list.

Funny how a couple months ago I was so worried about if I should dye my hair dark or not. It was a decision I spent a lot of time going back and forth on. Now... I'm looking at styles of wigs to try if my hair falls out. I have dreams about shaving my head. Don't get me wrong, I'm not super thrilled at the prospect of being bald. I love my hair. LOVE. I have grown it out for like 4 years. I got upset once because I had my hair trimmed a while ago and it looked shorter than I had expected. My biggest problem was that I could no longer do a fabulous side braid. Lame, I know. What I wouldn't give to have that problem again. Funny how our trials can make us realize that life isn't all about great hair, smooth skin and what the world considers beautiful.

I don't have great feeling on the right side of my face, I can still barely feel my ear and every time I kiss one of my kids I can feel how tight my face is. But each morning my girls tell me how beautiful I am. And I'm still Karston's favorite person in the whole world, despite what my face looks like. That alone is worth any scar on my face. Or a bald head :)

When I kiss my babies on the head at night and they tell me they love me it's then that I have never wanted to live so much. Or when Karston's chubby baby hands reach for me it's then I mentally tell cancer to get lost. I will take the scars. I can deal with my face drooping or feeling constantly numb. Just let me watch my kids grow. Let me be the one to kiss their owies. Let me be the one who has to deal with their temper tantrums. That's all I want.

Did you hear that cancer? You can have my hair, half my face and my lymph nodes... But you will not rob me of the chance to be with my kids. You've gone far enough. It's time to get lost now.


jessica said...

Thanks for the perspective Brittany...it is so easy to get caught up in dumb little things that don't matter at all in our lives. (I worry way too much about my hair too!!) You don't know me, but I am a friend of Brittany Cascio and have been praying for you a lot since she posted about you. I often think...wow, that could be me since I used to tan every day at the tanning salon I worked at for about 4 years, and now get a full body mole check once a year. I think you are an inspiration and can't wait to attend your fundraiser dinner with my family tomorrow! Hang in there :) Jessica Larsen

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