11 Days

Sunday, December 30, 2012

In 11 days I will meet with the oncologist. From there we will decide what sort of treatment I will do. If we go with Interferon (which is the most likely) it's going to be a long, stressful year. I will probably be very sick and tired. The first month is going to be incredibly demanding and stressful and most likely require me to be away from my kids and husband.

I have spent days agonizing over this. What will I do with my kids? How will we manage? Who will help us? I have cried myself to sleep, I have worried myself sick and I have begged for peace during my prayers.

Tonight it finally hit me... What am I doing? I am robbing myself of the last 11 days before life changes dramatically again. It's easy for people to say, "Don't stress about it yet.".... So much harder to actually do. But tonight I am giving myself the gift of letting go.

I know life is going to change soon. I know it's going to be rough. I know life as we know it will once again take a different direction. But right this very second I can't do anything about it. I can't speed up time or slow it down. I can't change the results from the previous tests and I can't change my options. So I will do my best to focus on what I can change.

I can spend the next 11 days playing with my kids. I can spend the next 11 days enjoying family time, hanging out with friends and laughing as much as I like. I will watch my favorite shows on DVR, eat Temptation Cupcake just because I want to and try to hit up Olive Garden. I will say prayers of thanks instead of sorrow. I will cry if I feel the need and not feel guilty. I will dance with my kids and I will be happy.

The next 11 days are all I have before life is guaranteed to change once again. I am lucky and I have a forewarning. So I will view that as a blessing and soak up every minute of it however I feel fit.

And at the end of those 11 days I will walk out of the doors of the oncologist and make new plans. I will choose my path and I will fight. Until then, I will spend 11 days not fighting but living. It's the best gift I could give myself. Let go and live!


heidi said...

Love your thoughts!!!! You are truly being guided by our Heavenly Father!! Love and pray for you and your family.....

Malissa said...

You're AMAZING Brittany! Stay strong!!! Hug those kidos of yours HARD!!! Still praying for you and thinking of you. Lots of LOVE!!!!

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