Hard Days

Yesterday we got the news that the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes. Today I found out I'm Stage 3b. I feel like I've been hit been hit by a truck a few times. My heart aches to rewind to a month ago when cancer was just a bad thing that happened to other people. Not me. Not mothers. Not 27 year olds. Not people who laugh as much as I do.

But it does. And it's not fair. And it sucks. And I'm ok admitting that. Because not everyday is going to feel positive. I can allow myself bad days. I will cry, I will feel sad, angry and helpless. And tomorrow I will pick myself up and start over. Tomorrow I will find courage and strength. Tomorrow I will ooze positivity. But not today. Today I just need to cry.

Kambrie asked me if the cancer was gone. I told her no. She started to cry and said but we sent balloons to heaven! Oh Kambrie. How badly mom wanted to say yes. To show you that faith always heals. That life works that way every time. I feel like I let her down.

I am kicking myself so bad for not going in right away. Why did I wait 6 months? Why did I think it was no big deal? Would it have made a difference? No one knows. But my mind has a hard time forgiving itself for that. Hind sight sure is noisy and a distraction.

Besides how heavy my heart is I am still so thankful. I had one of the worst days of my life and I still laughed countless times today. I had friends drop in, call me and send me amazing messages. My mother in law hung around all day just so I wouldn't be alone and even cleaned my bathrooms :) My kids told me they loved me many times and my husband rushed home just so I could lay in bed and cry. I am so blessed to not have to have a bad day alone. Or without support. So thank you. Thank you for making my bad day slightly better <3

Kambrie made me this picture. I love her so much. She is so thoughtful.