Remember Me

Sunday, March 24, 2013

This is a post I've been trying to write for so long. I can't ever seem to get the words to come out right though. So I ignore them and some how the words bubble back into my head. I decided it was time to write them down even if they only sound right to me. It's time.

I'm coming to a close on the treatment side of my melanoma. No one knows how scary this is for me. I will then head to a world of scans and waiting. No one knows how scary the scans and waiting are. Even scarier than treatment.

When I'm doing treatment, I'm DOING something. Being proactive. When that's done... I spend the rest of my life waiting for that phone call I never want to come. Waiting for melanoma to show its ugly head again. For it to turn everything around all over again.

You can't explain what that place does to your head to someone who's never been through it. It's a dark and lonely place and I don't want to be there.

I don't know how this is going to end. You don't know. No one knows. My biggest fear lives in my head and haunts my dreams. My biggest fear is not dying. It's that my children won't remember me.

My kids are all still pretty young. Will they remember the little things? Like how I told them they were beautiful every single day? How we would dance in the living room? How we would speak to each other in accents just for fun? Will they remember the dresses I bought them just because I couldn't stand to say no? How I loved more than anything their faces lighting up? Will they remember how I tried to make every holiday so special even when we had no money? How I kissed them on the forehead every night? How I told them they could be anything in the world? Will they remember the dinners, the nights spent by their beds when they were sick, how I brushed their hair from their eyes, how I hugged them every morning? How I loved them so, so much and sacrificed everything for their happiness?

Or will I be just a picture on a wall? Of a mom who was taken from them too soon? Someone they remember from stories but have no real memory of. Will I be her?

No, despite how this blog sounds this is not me admitting defeat. I'm not giving up, I still have hope. These are just very real fears that I have and needed to get out.

My fear that I will love my children so much and they will never remember. The hardest thing I've ever had to accept is that just because I gave birth to all three of my babies does not mean I'm guaranteed to raise them throughout this life. Seems pretty unfair. But I will trust in my Heavenly Father's plan and pray that these fears are only ever that... Fears.


Kim said...

Brit! I can totally imagine this being the greatest fear. It is always tucked away in the back of my mind and I have no "real" reason to think it. I'm so sorry that it is so real for you. I think about you all the time and am so impressed with you courage. I can't believe how tough it must be to keep trying to bring normalcy into your life every day. I think I would be paralyzed by it. I've been paralyzed by much smaller things. I love you! Seriously. You're amazing. Thank you for showing me how to live with joy and grace even when it gets real.

Van Hoesen Family said...

I've had a lot of dark days like this recently. You are not alone! I may not understand what its like to go as far as you have had to go, but I still have the same fears and I know how scary it is. I'm still trying to figure out how to live with these fears. Its so so hard. I only hope that it gets easier for us both. Congrats on nearing the end of your treatment :) I hope that it is something you will look back on with pride.

honeymama said...

You don't know me, but I have been following your blog. I am praying for you. As your friend above said, this is my fear as well, but it is much more present for you. I guarantee that your children will remember this battle and remember their mother who smiled and laughed through it all. You will be a strength to them. And remember your E. Holland quotation--should your worst fears come true, I know that you can mother through the veil. The power of a mother's love is stronger than even death--I know this to be true. But don't lose hope--miracles happen every day. Love and strength to you! Your sister.

Graham Noteboom said...

Hi Brittany,
I often think of you and how you are doing. Your blog is wonderful. I wish you and your family the best.
Love, your nurse,

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