Melanoma?

Cancer. It's such an ugly word. And one that no one ever expects to hear. In my situation it started as a mole on my face. One I had my whole life. Sometime during this past summer it started changing. One day I woke up and thought, "Has it always been this big?" It was then I had that tiny voice in my head say. "This isn't good." I pushed it back though and ignored it. I didn't have insurance and I had many more things like 3 kids, piles of laundry and sticky floors to worry about. Life went on. 

In September we had moved to Utah and were getting settled in. My husband made me a doctor appointment to get the mole removed. By this time the mole was raised off my face and looked pretty gross. So I did what any human does these days.. I Googled. Google was wrong. Google told me moles like mine were generally nothing to worry about. So what did I do? I cancelled my appointment. Yes, it was ugly. But Kynzee needed new tap shoes, Both girls needed school clothes and there was just never enough money to go around. So there was no way I was spending $300 on vanity! Besides, Google is always right. 

Then came the bleeding. Yes, I had a bloody, bleeding mole on my face. The mole had crossed the line. I headed to to doctor to cut that nasty thing off before it embarrassed me any more than it had. Goodbye demon growth on my face. Hello 2 inch scar. I didn't sweat it though. I could live with that. The doctor's office would biopsy it "just in case". But she assured me multiple times it was nothing. So out I walked with a numb cheek but a happy heart. :) 

When I went to get my stitches removed a week later I was told they had gotten the results back but had to send them to another lab. I would need to wait another 7 days. Then the medical assistant said the word I was looking for.. Benign. Whew. No big deal! Out the door I went again not thinking twice about it. 

6 days later I was happily sitting on my couch, ignoring the laundry and watching Gossip Girl. The phone rang and I saw it was the doctors office. I almost didn't answer. I figured they could leave me a message letting me know everything was normal. I didn't want to pause Gossip Girl. But for some reason my hands involuntarily paused the show and hit "Talk". I needed to come in right away. And no it couldn't wait till the next day. My heart sunk. I knew. 

Next thing I know I'm sitting in the doctors office with four people staring at me. The doctor keeps feeling my face. Karston is whining for snacks out of the diaper bag. I can't figure out what to focus on. The doctor keeps rambling on and I honestly didn't hear a word. Not until he said, "cancer", "malignant" and "Huntsman Center". That's when I knew. All I could think though was I should just walk out of the room. Because if I walked out then none of it would be true. And I was holding my 15 month old on my lap. How can they possibly tell me I have cancer when I'm holding my baby on my lap? 

The only phrases that stuck with me were ones like, "I'd like to tell you you're gonna beat this but I can't promise that."  "Yours is aggressive and deep." "We aren't sure how far it's spread." I walked out defeated. 

That night I cried. A lot. I held my babies and my husband and we all sobbed together. Lots of people stopped by. They brought treats and food and every comfort thing known to man. My friends and family texted, called, messaged, emailed, Facebooked every possible way to let me know they loved me. I didn't sleep at all that night. I cried, I got angry, then panicked. I was a total mess.

A few days later we went to the Huntsman Center. They were amazing. They turned everything around and I walked out of there feeling hopeful. Still scared, still angry, but hopeful. I have surgery scheduled for the 20th. They will cut out my lovely cheek and move the skin from my neck to make a new cheek. I will now only have one cheek with freckles. My 8 year old self is thrilled. She tried scrubbing off her freckles and removing them with lemon juice. Half way there! ;) 

At this point we don't know much. We do know it's not currently in any other organs. That was amazing news. It could still be in my lymph nodes, we won't know until after the surgery. Some days I feel fantastic. Other days I feel totally drained. But cancer hasn't taken away my ability to laugh or crack myself up. It hasn't had any effect on who I am inside. It has brought my husband and I closer, deepened relationships and made me feel more loved than I ever have. Once I have the surgery I pray that the cancer is all gone. And my family and I can get off this awful path. I'm lucky though, because even when the cancer is gone I still get to keep the friendships, the feelings I got from so many peoples kindness and a better outlook on life. 

So pack your bags cancer. Surgery is almost here :) 

<3 Britt