It Wasn't Supposed to Come Back

Thursday, January 12, 2017

I had my first treatment January 3rd. I went into it fully thinking I'd fly though this year and it would be a breeze. 
Well shot that theory down within 3 days haha. 
I began having chest pains Thursday night and by Friday night was in the ER. Every time I took a breath it was like being stabbed by knvives. Luckily, it wasn't a pulmonary embolism and was just pleurisy. But good heck does that hurt. :| 
The days after that are when it started getting worse though. My entire body began aching and I was so fatigued I literally couldn't get out of bed. I'm not gonna lie, those few days I had a total pity party. I was pissed. How was I expected to get through a year of this? How could I keep everything together for an entire year without driving family insane with my constant need for help? A year is a flipping long time when you feel like crap. I was consumed by my irritation at my situation. Big pile of poo. Poor me. 
Then this happened today. 
Karston had drawn this on his easel. I asked him to explain it. He said,"That's you surrounded by broken hearts because you have cancer. The rest of them are our family and we are all sad about you." After crying for like an hour about this, I was finally able to snap out of my own misery. Having cancer sucks guys. But watching your kids hurt because of cancer sucks more than having it.
I wish my kids had no clue what cancer was. I wish they didn't know that ugly word and it didn't crush their innocent hearts. 
 Karston has asked many times who will give him loves if I die because I'm the love of his life. I've held each of my kids while they've sobbed and I can't find the words to comfort them. So I just cry too. 
"It wasn't supposed to come back", I heard Kambrie cry. 
She's right. 
It wasn't supposed to. At least not according to my plan. 
Realizing that there's a higher plan than mine has been the hardest pill to swallow. 
Accepting that I have no clue what that plan is is even harder. 
So what's the lesson here? 
Will I beat this? I have no clue. 
Can I beat this? I don't know. The odds are better than they were 4 years ago. 
Will I be one of the 24% still alive in 3 years? Maybe. Maybe not. 
So what do I do with this information? 
Well first off, I accept it. I accept that I don't know the outcome. 
Then I ask myself what do I want to learn from all this?
I'll tell you what I want to learn. 
Love more. 
Be kinder. 
Be there. 
Live in the present. 
Notice the good. 
Be the good. 
And at the end of this whether I've been given 3 extra months or 30 extra years, I just pray that because of this trial I'm a better person. That I had bad days but I always stood back up and found a way to laugh. That when my darkest day comes I will still find light. That no matter how angry I feel I will know that God is in control and I will accept his plan. And that I will be grateful for every single breath I took, Because we are not promised any of them. 


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