This means I will miss Kynzee's birthday. We are celebrating it early and all will be well but I can't help feeling guilty. Seems trivial when you're not in my shoes, I'm sure. It is what it is, but.... It sucks. Moms are not supposed to miss birthdays. I'm supposed to be here getting her ready in her special birthday outfit we let them pick out every year. I'm supposed to be here to have the house surprise decorated for when she comes home from school. Sigh. My oldest is turning 7. And 7 years ago I thought the world was perfect and never imagined this. Bigger sigh.
But it's ok. Like I told Kynzee, I'm missing one birthday so I can be here for many more. And that's what we will choose to focus on. Just please, if you see her on the 31st, give her an extra birthday hug. Not for her necessarily, because she will be fine I'm sure. Kids seem to adapt much more easily than adults. For me. Because her mom wanted to be there so, so bad.
I'm whining... I know. But sometimes I just need to whine. Cancer makes you feel so many emotions. The one I find myself most surprised by is guilt. Cancer makes me feel guilty for so many reasons. I feel guilty if I cry in front of my kids, if I have a bad day, if I don't feel good. I feel guilty for causing so many people so much pain and stress. For making people bend over backwards for us. I feel guilty for having cancer.
But then I get rational and snap out of it. I know it's not my fault. I know it's beyond my control. It doesn't stop me from having bad moments though. I am human.
So here we go to the treatment side of cancer. So thankful I live in this day and age where I have options and I get to make a choice based on what I feel is right. I so appreciate all of the support for our decision! Love you all :)
Here's to hoping for a long, bright, cancer free future.
1 comments:
It definitely is a roller coaster of emotions, and it will continue to be when this is all over. And ps it is totally okay for you to whine! We cant keep in our fears and worries. I bet blogging about all of this is kinda theraputic? Only like a handful of people in my life know what I've been through. I just cant seem to be open like you. So its awesome that you are out there spreading awareness :)
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