Hard Days

Yesterday we got the news that the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes. Today I found out I'm Stage 3b. I feel like I've been hit been hit by a truck a few times. My heart aches to rewind to a month ago when cancer was just a bad thing that happened to other people. Not me. Not mothers. Not 27 year olds. Not people who laugh as much as I do.

But it does. And it's not fair. And it sucks. And I'm ok admitting that. Because not everyday is going to feel positive. I can allow myself bad days. I will cry, I will feel sad, angry and helpless. And tomorrow I will pick myself up and start over. Tomorrow I will find courage and strength. Tomorrow I will ooze positivity. But not today. Today I just need to cry.

Kambrie asked me if the cancer was gone. I told her no. She started to cry and said but we sent balloons to heaven! Oh Kambrie. How badly mom wanted to say yes. To show you that faith always heals. That life works that way every time. I feel like I let her down.

I am kicking myself so bad for not going in right away. Why did I wait 6 months? Why did I think it was no big deal? Would it have made a difference? No one knows. But my mind has a hard time forgiving itself for that. Hind sight sure is noisy and a distraction.

Besides how heavy my heart is I am still so thankful. I had one of the worst days of my life and I still laughed countless times today. I had friends drop in, call me and send me amazing messages. My mother in law hung around all day just so I wouldn't be alone and even cleaned my bathrooms :) My kids told me they loved me many times and my husband rushed home just so I could lay in bed and cry. I am so blessed to not have to have a bad day alone. Or without support. So thank you. Thank you for making my bad day slightly better <3

Kambrie made me this picture. I love her so much. She is so thoughtful.

Goodbye stitches!

Today is the day! Stitches come out.. All one gazillion of them. We also get the results about my lymph nodes. So all things crossed!

Excuse my face in this picture. I couldn't figure out what to do with my face in it when I'm taking a picture of the side of my face. When I smiled I looked like a creeper, when I was serious I looked mad and when I made a funny face I looked like a nut job. So I went with duck face. I know I have many friends and family who will harass me over this. But please people... I have cancer on my face. I get a free pass for duck face. ;)

Say prayers! Good news! Positive thoughts! Let it be gone!

<3 to you all!

Ps. I added the smiling picture just to prove it to you. Total creeper. Duck face wins.

Pss. Still very sad about my shaved hair. It will grow back someday... Right? :(

Balloons from Montana!

I have support in so many places! My sister and her family in Montana released balloons for me. I am so so lucky to have such a huge support system. I wake up every morning knowing that I'm loved and that I have tons of people behind me. That is such a blessing.

I love my sister so much! I wish we lived closer to each other. I am lucky to have grown up to be best friends with my sister :) she's amazing! Thank you Alyssa and Casey! I love you both so much. And I have the cutest nephew in the world. Just sayin'....

Magical Moments

Today I got down on the floor and played with my baby. The floor needed to be vacuumed, the dishes weren't done and we still need to get dressed... But I ignored them all! Karston and I giggled and laughed and spent a good hour just playing. It was perfect. The best I've felt all week. One of those moments in life where you wish you could freeze time.

But then he pooped. Magical moment out the window. But for one hour it was just what I needed :)

Grandparents

My lovely grandparents came up from St. George to see me. It was so nice of them to drive so far just to stay a couple hours. But we had fun. And you can clearly see that a fantastic sense of humor runs in the family :) Thanks for your support Grandpa and Thea!

Humble

This year I wanted a Charlie Brown tree. Tiny. Simple. Humble. I guess I wanted it to reflect how I'm feeling this year.

Danny was not thrilled by my choice of tree. I think he's coming around to it though. ;)

As I was decorating the house my mind was wandering to things it usually doesn't at this time of year, but probably should. Things like gratitude for simple things like the many dinners that friends have brought in. Gratitude for big things too. Like answered prayers. Danny has obviously not been working tons and money has been extremely tight. The night before the surgery a package was left on our door with $70 worth of gold dollar coins in it. Just enough to pay for gas to get to SLC and back. I have no clue who left that, but they answered a prayer I had been praying all day. I am so humbled.

Gratitude for things like amazing friends and family who have gathered around me in ways I never knew possible through all this.

Gratitude for the kind words, the helping hands and the kindness. Never in my life have I been the recipient of so much kindness. Once again, I am humbled.

So as I sit and look at my tiny tree it reminds me of how I am one small person part of Heavenly Fathers big plan. And this year Christmas means a whole lot more to me. I'm more concerned with the feeling than what's under the tree.

I pray my kids can feel it. That they will one day look back and remember these holidays and what they brought to our family. So much love. We were humbled. We were scared. We were stressed. But we were happy.

May we never forget.

My babies

Missing my babies so so much right now. :(
I can't help it. They're extremely cute.
Can't wait for them to get home so I can kiss their cheeks and little hands.

I love them. I love them. I love them. And there's only like an 80% chance this is the Lortab talking ;)