The Huntsman Cancer Institute

I love The Huntsman. You walk in there and you feel like you're surrounded with compassion. I love the doctors, the nurses, the staff... I can't say enough good things about it.

I came across this card in my treatment binder they gave me and it gave me a sense of relief. They have a wonderful way of making everything feel personal and like you're their only patient.

Facts.

Please take a moment to read over the picture below. Why? Because it could save your life. I know I may get annoying with all my melanoma posts, but I only post them because I care about YOU. I will spend the rest of my days promoting skin cancer awareness (and if I live till I'm 90 that's a long time ;)

If one person was to catch skin cancer early because of something I said, I will consider it worth it. I have walked this path... You do not want to walk in my shoes. Trust me.

Waiting... Waiting...

And now we wait.. I head to the hospital on the 28th for my 5 days of fun! ;)

This means I will miss Kynzee's birthday. We are celebrating it early and all will be well but I can't help feeling guilty. Seems trivial when you're not in my shoes, I'm sure. It is what it is, but.... It sucks. Moms are not supposed to miss birthdays. I'm supposed to be here getting her ready in her special birthday outfit we let them pick out every year. I'm supposed to be here to have the house surprise decorated for when she comes home from school. Sigh. My oldest is turning 7. And 7 years ago I thought the world was perfect and never imagined this. Bigger sigh.

But it's ok. Like I told Kynzee, I'm missing one birthday so I can be here for many more. And that's what we will choose to focus on. Just please, if you see her on the 31st, give her an extra birthday hug. Not for her necessarily, because she will be fine I'm sure. Kids seem to adapt much more easily than adults. For me. Because her mom wanted to be there so, so bad.

I'm whining... I know. But sometimes I just need to whine. Cancer makes you feel so many emotions. The one I find myself most surprised by is guilt. Cancer makes me feel guilty for so many reasons. I feel guilty if I cry in front of my kids, if I have a bad day, if I don't feel good. I feel guilty for causing so many people so much pain and stress. For making people bend over backwards for us. I feel guilty for having cancer.

But then I get rational and snap out of it. I know it's not my fault. I know it's beyond my control. It doesn't stop me from having bad moments though. I am human.

So here we go to the treatment side of cancer. So thankful I live in this day and age where I have options and I get to make a choice based on what I feel is right. I so appreciate all of the support for our decision! Love you all :)

Here's to hoping for a long, bright, cancer free future.

People are wearing me!

All these pictures being sent to me with amazing people wearing my shirts in support of me are making my day! Keep them coming!! I love the support and thank all of you! :)

...this is temporary... Right?

My face. Everyone says I look great... I feel like a freak. It's hard not to feel like that when you can't move the right half of your face. We've gotten some good laughs out of it though. Lucky for me, I've always been better at laughing at myself than anyone else. So it has been the source of some late night laugh fests for sure.

There are times it does bother me though. Sometimes I wish my scar was on some place I could hide from people. I just feel like I'm always on display and it's always up for discussion. And there are times when I don't want to be the "girl with cancer". I just want to be Brittany.

There is a silver lining though. I have the opportunity to show everyone how serious skin cancer is. I never took skin cancer seriously. Never even went in for a skin check in my entire life. I thought I was safe because I didn't use tanning beds and didn't lay out. I am full of freckles and burn easily, so I kind of avoid the sun. But melanoma didn't care. It doesn't discriminate and it can happen to anyone. It is serious. It is deadly.

One person dies every hour from melanoma. More people die every year from melanoma than all the other cancers combined. Is it sinking in yet? It should be. I can't express just how important it is to wear sun screen, stop tanning and get skin checks. You think being pale isn't pretty? That you look better with a tan? Try having a scar on your face like mine. Having your right eye being paralyzed and droopy. Sit through a doctors appointment where they tell you your survival rates. Face chemo and lose all your hair. Be incredibly sick. Then being tan won't seem that pretty. I guarantee it.

I was not a faithful sunscreen wearer. If I could go back I would have rubbed it from head to toe daily. I will step off my soap box now but please.. I beg you, take skin cancer seriously. It isn't talked about. People don't realize how deadly it is. We have to change this. Pale is pretty. So much prettier than cancer.

Pick your poison!

Choosing the best way to treat my cancer is one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make. In the end though it was extremely clear to me what I should choose.

All the side effects, the pros and cons and inconveniences faded away. There was only one thing that stood out to me and that was time. I chose bio chemo because it on average gives me more time before the cancer could come back. When you have three small children there is nothing that matters more than time. I just want to be with them. To watch them grow. To see them become amazing people. That's all that matters and I would go through literally anything to make that happen.

Will it be awful? Yes. Will I go bald? Yes. Will I be horribly sick? Yes. Does any of that matter if it gives me time? No.

On average if I did no treatment my cancer would come back in about a year. If I did Interferon it would be 1.9 years. If I do bio chemo it's 4.9 years. Bio chemo it is.

I will spend 5 days in the hospital and then be home for 2 weeks. I will repeat that for 3 months. The way I see it is giving 3 months to get 5 years. And maybe I will get more than that. Thing is.. No one knows. I've learned through this whole thing is that I have no control over whether I live or die. All I can do is fight my hardest, enjoy life and be thankful for what I've been given. If I spend every day agonizing over how much time I have left I will waste it. That is no way to live.

So onto the next round of this fight. Truth is, I will spend the rest of my life fighting melanoma. But that's ok.. Because to fight is to be alive.

Tonight after I tuck my kids in bed I will say many prayers of thanks for all my blessings. For all my support, for my healthy kids, for my amazing husband and for a testimony that no matter how this fight ends, I will win. They say feed your faith and your fears will starve. So I will find comfort in my belief that this life is not it and I will one day be with my family again. Whether I have another 50 years here or 5. It's going to be okay.

I was wrong...

I guess life had other plans. My 11 days I thought we'd be frolicking in the snow and making memories has been spent horribly, awful, terrible sick. All of us. :/ We are like a never ending pit of germs. We have made some memories though...

* Kynzee refuses to take medicine.. so I had to force it down her throat and she puked down my shirt. That was good times.

* Karston has wiped more questionable green stuff on me than I have ever had the pleasure of seeing. But makes for some serious hand washing. My hands have never been cleaner.

*Kambrie has had such a high fever that I'm pretty sure she's gone delirious. When that happens she usually shouts at me in something resembling German. Scares me every time, but then it ends in me laughing hysterically while I'm trying to get the Motrin bottle open.

See? Memories can be made even in the worst of circumstances. So whether we spend the remaining days laughing or puking.. or puking AND THEN laughing.. doesn't matter. At least we're together. Germs and all.

This picture is a couple months old... but I thought it fit perfectly with how our "memory making" has gone.