I was wrong...

I guess life had other plans. My 11 days I thought we'd be frolicking in the snow and making memories has been spent horribly, awful, terrible sick. All of us. :/ We are like a never ending pit of germs. We have made some memories though...

* Kynzee refuses to take medicine.. so I had to force it down her throat and she puked down my shirt. That was good times.

* Karston has wiped more questionable green stuff on me than I have ever had the pleasure of seeing. But makes for some serious hand washing. My hands have never been cleaner.

*Kambrie has had such a high fever that I'm pretty sure she's gone delirious. When that happens she usually shouts at me in something resembling German. Scares me every time, but then it ends in me laughing hysterically while I'm trying to get the Motrin bottle open.

See? Memories can be made even in the worst of circumstances. So whether we spend the remaining days laughing or puking.. or puking AND THEN laughing.. doesn't matter. At least we're together. Germs and all.

This picture is a couple months old... but I thought it fit perfectly with how our "memory making" has gone.

11 Days

In 11 days I will meet with the oncologist. From there we will decide what sort of treatment I will do. If we go with Interferon (which is the most likely) it's going to be a long, stressful year. I will probably be very sick and tired. The first month is going to be incredibly demanding and stressful and most likely require me to be away from my kids and husband.

I have spent days agonizing over this. What will I do with my kids? How will we manage? Who will help us? I have cried myself to sleep, I have worried myself sick and I have begged for peace during my prayers.

Tonight it finally hit me... What am I doing? I am robbing myself of the last 11 days before life changes dramatically again. It's easy for people to say, "Don't stress about it yet.".... So much harder to actually do. But tonight I am giving myself the gift of letting go.

I know life is going to change soon. I know it's going to be rough. I know life as we know it will once again take a different direction. But right this very second I can't do anything about it. I can't speed up time or slow it down. I can't change the results from the previous tests and I can't change my options. So I will do my best to focus on what I can change.

I can spend the next 11 days playing with my kids. I can spend the next 11 days enjoying family time, hanging out with friends and laughing as much as I like. I will watch my favorite shows on DVR, eat Temptation Cupcake just because I want to and try to hit up Olive Garden. I will say prayers of thanks instead of sorrow. I will cry if I feel the need and not feel guilty. I will dance with my kids and I will be happy.

The next 11 days are all I have before life is guaranteed to change once again. I am lucky and I have a forewarning. So I will view that as a blessing and soak up every minute of it however I feel fit.

And at the end of those 11 days I will walk out of the doors of the oncologist and make new plans. I will choose my path and I will fight. Until then, I will spend 11 days not fighting but living. It's the best gift I could give myself. Let go and live!

Santa is real!

At least the idea of him. This year I was overwhelmed by how many people wanted to make our Christmas amazing. The true spirit of Christmas was in no short supply in our home this year. We were surrounded with love like we've never known before. I am in total awe of these strangers who so willingly give. Who come to my door with a smile on their face and seem as though I'm making their day wonderful by accepting their gifts. It was incredible. To all of our Secret Santa's.. I could never thank you enough. You not only brought so much needed joy to my children... You also made mom and dad so relieved because we hadn't had much time to even think about Christmas. It all kind of came on fast and I never had to stress about one thing. So as I sat there on Christmas morning and watched my very excited kids open their presents I got tears in my eyes.

I cried because I was so very thankful and hoped you knew. I cried because I have realized that it's much harder to be the receiver than it is the giver. I cried because we mattered to someone. I cried because there are so, so many good people in this world. And those good people went out of their way for me. I cried because for the first time in my life I felt the Spirit of Christmas so strongly it was almost as though I could touch it. It was that real. Whoever you are, we love you and have said many prayers of thanks for all you did. If I can't tell you to your face, I hope you read my blog! You have forever touched our hearts.

Wishing a very Merry (a day late) Christmas to all. I so wish I could have blessed all your Christmas' like mine was. I wish I was in a position to be like the kind strangers who gave so much to us. Maybe someday. But it's not even about the gifts. It's about how they made us feel. Loved, special, like we mattered and a sense of peace since I could focus on recovering and not stress about wrapping and shopping. They made me feel so very blessed. And you can't wrap that. And those truly are the best gifts of all.

Merry Christmas!

Ps. Karston is in none of the pictures because he was super sick :/ he was a party pooper this year!!

More Montana Balloons!

Keep the balloons coming! Every time I get a text with balloon pictures Kambrie gets so excited. This time my beautiful cousin Hailey and her boyfriend Nick sent off balloons from the freezing cold Montana. Thank you so much Hailey and Nick for the support. Love you! <3

Whenever I go in for a procedure or something I always look through all my balloon pictures before. It reminds me how much support I have. You guys rock!

Beauty = Pain

Not in the typical sense in this case...
But it does equal alive.
And in my book that is the most beautiful thing of all.

My eye will (hopefully) go back to normal soon. The doctor said it can last up to three months. That's three months I can confuse people with my facial expressions though... ;)

The drain should come out next week. I will sing praises that day. The drain is slightly less than fun. On a scale of 1 to ingrown toe nails it ranks slightly above ingrown toe nails. Who knew lymph nodes actually had a job? So after you look at my picture tell yours thank you. :)

Sisters

I am one lucky person. I have amazing sisters. One sister, 2 step sisters and 6 sister in laws. I love every single one of them and they all bring so much to my life.

When I was first diagnosed with cancer I was devastated. I called my sisters Alyssa and Taylor and cried. A lot. I'm sure they were sick of it... So they jumped on a plane and flew to me. ;) You never know how much someone just being there means until something like this hits you. I just wanted my sisters. They came and we shopped, laughed, cried, ate and had so much fun. Just them sitting next to me meant so much. To know that I didn't have to face this alone was comforting. And the great thing about sisters is they didn't always say the typical things. They cried with me. They let me be scared. They admitted they were scared too and they validated the way I felt. I wish so badly they lived closer. That I could see them everyday. But even from states away they are two of my biggest supporters. To have sisters like them is to be blessed.

8 years ago I slipped on ice and gave myself a severe head injury in the middle of no where. Alyssa drug me through several feet of snow for like a mile to get me help. I'm probably alive today only because of her. So guess what Lys? If you can drag me through that... You can drag me through this :)

When I have a bad day I am lucky to have so many sisters to call. Started out with 1 and ended up with 9... Now that is blessed. Although I'm starting to worry some of them will disown me if I ask them to babysit anymore ;)

"When sisters stand shoulder to shoulder who stands a chance against us?" Pam Brown
-the answer is not cancer. Most definitely not cancer.

Ouchies and Thank You's.

Ouch. Doesn't even remotely describe how I feel currently. This surgery has been much more rough to recover than the last one. I am so glad that my mom was here for a few days after to help. One of the worst feelings as a mom is feeling like you can't take care of yourself let alone your babies. I'm so used to doing everything that it's hard to sit back and let everyone else take over. Although the housework hasn't been that hard to hand off ;)

We did get the news that all 20 of the lymph nodes they removed were cancer free. Such great news and I am so glad to finally hear something good from the doctor for once! Still not sure what the future holds treatment wise. We will meet with an oncologist soon and discuss all that. Until then we will say many prayers of thanks and enjoy the holidays.

Danny bought me this cute sign when I was in surgery. It says, "You get what you give, so give good." It serves as a reminder to me everyday to live up to what I've been given through this trial. The amount of help we have had handed to us to lift us up is life changing. I get mail everyday from strangers who heard my story and want to help. My neighbors drop everything to do anything I ask. My family has spent tons of money on travel and if they can't travel they check on me constantly. Danny's family has bent over backwards to babysit and offer any support they can.

I could make every post on this blog about what people have done for us, but it would take me a year to write it all out. There are that many. But I want each of you to know how much we appreciate it all. The money, the gifts, the messages, the dinners, the hugs, the prayers... They all mean so very much and they have all touched us in ways I don't know how to express in words. I can only hope that we can one day give as good as we've been given. You all inspire me to be a better person and I don't know what we would have done without the support we have received.

Our lives changed forever on October 29, 2012. In that moment we were sure it had taken a horrible direction. We were wrong though. It was about to change for the better and by facing our biggest trial yet we were about to have blessings straight from heaven pour down on us. I know that my Heavenly Father has been by our side through this whole thing in the form of you. So whatever it was that inspired you to reach out to us, whether you've known us forever... Or not at all... Thank you. Thank you for changing our lives.