Off with their heads...

Well my lymph nodes heads that is..

Good riddance.

It's time!

Until after the anesthesia wears off...

It could be worse

Cancer is all consuming. It devours your thoughts, dreams, conversations. It hangs over your head when you're having fun. It screams in your head when you're laughing. Tells you, you shouldn't be happy. Don't think positive. Be sad. Think about the scariness and the odds. That's what it wants.

I do a pretty good job of ignoring it though. I just laugh louder, smile bigger and tell myself constantly, "I can do hard things. Why? Because I am a Daughter of God."

Only on occasion does cancer get me down. I can't be strong all the time. As much as cancer sucks though... There are moments that make you realize cancer is not the worst. Friday snapped me out of my gloom and showed me there is far worse than cancer. It's not the worst and for that I am so thankful. I would take cancer 1,000 times over, than be one of those poor parents on Friday. Cancer is awful, but I have the chance to fight it. So today I will be grateful for this trial. It has paled in comparison to the grief in the news. My heart is broken for them.

Watching the news with my husband we just looked at each other and said, "It's only cancer. Thank goodness it's only cancer."

Tonight I will tuck my babies in bed. I will kiss them goodnight and say many thanks that they're there. They're safe. And they're alive.

Thank you Heavenly Father, thank you.

My Mama

My mom is here... And that basically means all is right with the world.
Yes, I'm 27... But I still feel 100 times better if my mom can rub my back or feel my forehead. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I need my mom. Now more than ever. I am so glad she's here!

My mom is amazing. I love every piece of her. How she thinks Neosporin cures everything, how she wears holiday socks year round, how her laugh always cheers me up, how she still brushes my hair out of my eyes and how I grew up and realized she's my best friend.

She's the first person I call on a good day and a bad day. I can tell her absolutely anything and she still loves me.

Somehow over the years I grew up and had my own babies. But she's still my mom. And I'm still her baby. And there is no amount of time that could change that.

So I've got all I need for surgery on Tuesday! A great doctor, a positive attitude and my mama. Ready, set, Go!

Wow.

I had my house cleaned.
I was pampered all day at the spa.
A whole lot of people bent over backwards for me while I got a massage, a facial, a pedicure and my hair done...
Oh yeah... And all these people showed up to support me.
Amazing day. Thank you doesn't cover it. So I will simply say, I love you all.
If I was cancer, I would be shaking in my boots... Because the army that showed up to support me tonight only makes me stronger.
What a day. There are so many good people in the world. And I'm just lucky enough to know all of them ;)

I love you all. No joke. Thank you.

Danny

I've been married to my wonderful husband for almost 8 years. We got engaged after 6 weeks of knowing each other. (Gasp!) Crazy I know.. As cheesy as it sounds, when we met it was like we had known each other forever. I knew right away he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I am so glad I listened to that feeling and that he had the guts to ask me despite everyone thinking we were crazy. Here we are 8 years later and happier than ever :) 

There is one moment in our marriage that happened recently that changed me forever.

I am extremely claustrophobic. The MRI was pure torture for me. I'm not proud to admit this... But the whole time I was in there all I could think was, "Why me? Why isn't this someone else in here?" (I'm human... Forgive me..)

Anyways, after throwing myself a pity party I happened to walk in on a phone conversation Danny was having and he said, "The whole time she was in there all I could think was, I wish that was me in there. I wish I could take her place."

Talk about feeling small. I was wishing my sorrow on someone else while my husband would so willingly take my place.

I am so thankful I married such a kind man. A man who has taken over everything that I have neglected since this started. Who lets me nap whenever I need it after he has worked 10 hours and will still take care of the kids, do laundry, cook dinner and anything else I ask. A man who tells me I'm beautiful even when I've gained 50 pounds, haven't showered in days and I'm still in my pajamas at 3 pm. He is incredible. I am so lucky.

I'm just glad it's him here with me through this. That I get to hold his hand no matter what life throws at us. Life can take so many different turns and I got lucky and chose him. Best choice I ever made. Spending the rest of eternity with my best friend. Not a bad deal.

All I Ever Wanted..

We went to the Forgotten Carols last night. If you've never been, I highly suggest you go sometime or at least listen to the music. Michael McLean has such a way of telling stories that go straight to your heart. It was my second time seeing the show, but this year one song in particular really hit home. It's called, "All I Ever Wanted. This part from it made me tear up everytime:

"All I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed of, everything I hoped and all the things I prayed for,
Couldn't hold a candle to what I have been given. I've been given what I need."

I'm not saying cancer was necessarily what I needed... But it's shown me that what I have is exactly what I needed. This past year was full of disappointments for Danny and I. Money that never came, dreams that were never fulfilled, great jobs that never worked out. When we were going through it, it was devastating. Now I've realized that none of that was what I needed.

What I needed was to slow down and go back to the basics. To stop comparing myself to everyone around me. To realize that at the end of the day, I really do have it all. A husband who loves me dearly, three babies to tuck in every night, a strong testimony and amazing friends. All the other stuff like money gets taken care of some way or another by Heavenly Father. No matter how bad things get, when we can't see two feet in front of us because things seem so dark.. Things always work out. Not always how we wanted, not always how we expected, but they do.

I am so thankful that in our darkest hours my Heavenly Father never gave me all I had been praying and hoping for. He gave me what I needed. And some how cancer has made me okay with that.

What an incredible feeling to think, "I love what I've been given." And truly mean it. My soul feels free.


Ps At the University where the play was... We ran across a flyer of me on the wall! Now that doesn't happen everyday ;)

Emu what?!

My sister works at an emu ranch. What's an emu you ask? I'm not sure... Some sort of creepy bird thing. And where's the emu oil coming from... Well that I'm not sure of, but I can assure you it's amazing stuff! My sister gave me a bottle of it and I've rubbed it on my scar everyday. It has healed up amazing! They have all kinds of products, but I am now a total believer in the oil. And I'm not usually one to go for "natural stuff". It works though! I am proof! So thank you Montana Emu Ranch! :)

If you don't believe me, the proof is in the pictures! The order of the pictures goes 3 days, 1 week and then 2 weeks post op Not too shabby! Check out their products at www.montanaemuranch.com