Healing

My scar is actually looking pretty decent. It's too bad they're just going to go cut it open again... And keep cutting clear down my neck. Oh well. If it means I can see my babies grow up, then cut what you need to! Outward beauty is no longer on the top of my list.

Funny how a couple months ago I was so worried about if I should dye my hair dark or not. It was a decision I spent a lot of time going back and forth on. Now... I'm looking at styles of wigs to try if my hair falls out. I have dreams about shaving my head. Don't get me wrong, I'm not super thrilled at the prospect of being bald. I love my hair. LOVE. I have grown it out for like 4 years. I got upset once because I had my hair trimmed a while ago and it looked shorter than I had expected. My biggest problem was that I could no longer do a fabulous side braid. Lame, I know. What I wouldn't give to have that problem again. Funny how our trials can make us realize that life isn't all about great hair, smooth skin and what the world considers beautiful.

I don't have great feeling on the right side of my face, I can still barely feel my ear and every time I kiss one of my kids I can feel how tight my face is. But each morning my girls tell me how beautiful I am. And I'm still Karston's favorite person in the whole world, despite what my face looks like. That alone is worth any scar on my face. Or a bald head :)

When I kiss my babies on the head at night and they tell me they love me it's then that I have never wanted to live so much. Or when Karston's chubby baby hands reach for me it's then I mentally tell cancer to get lost. I will take the scars. I can deal with my face drooping or feeling constantly numb. Just let me watch my kids grow. Let me be the one to kiss their owies. Let me be the one who has to deal with their temper tantrums. That's all I want.

Did you hear that cancer? You can have my hair, half my face and my lymph nodes... But you will not rob me of the chance to be with my kids. You've gone far enough. It's time to get lost now.

Pouring

And I don't mean rain. 

I mean blessings. So many of them. 

Almost so many I don't know what to do with them. 

Person after person has shared our story. 

People who have never met me have shared my story. 

The blessings literally poured in all day that I feel so overwhelmed. (In a good way) 

How do you adequately say thank you to so many people without it sounding generic? 

How do you explain to them how deeply their kindness has touched your heart? 

I have yet to find the best way. 

But please know that every single thing matters. 

All the donations, the messages, the shares, the likes, the hard work, the gifts, the care packages, the phone calls, texts, and most of all the love. 

We never thought we'd be here. It's not something you imagine for yourself. And there are days where I do feel down. But all of you make it nearly impossible! ;) The love that has come our way since this all started is astounding. The support is something I never expected. I guess cancer has surprised me. It is such a horrible thing but so much good has come from it. We have been forever changed. We've been humbled, given more compassion and shown what's truly important in our lives. I am so appreciative and indebted to all of you. 

Tonight I will go to bed not asking, "Why me?" But instead counting my many blessings. And all of you will be at the top of my list. THANK YOU!

Fundraiser Flyer!

Here is the fundraiser flyer. Made by once again.. someone who has never met me but is uber talented and is passing kindness my way :) Thank you Nikkol! So much! It turned out so perfect. 

Click on the flyer to read it bigger!

We're Movie Stars!

At least the kids are convinced we are... 

Taylor Ballam with Ballam Films very kindly made this video for us. I was nervous about being on camera but I'm so thankful he took the video he did because it showed all the most important things about our family.. 

A. We laugh a lot

B. I laugh even more than a lot (I can't help it) 

C. We have fun

D. My kids are extremely cute

E. My kids dance a lot

F. Karston is a total Mama's boy ;)

G. We love each other. For reals. 

My hair was flat, needed some serious tlc and would not curl that day. I got dressed and thought, "Ew. I do not want to be filmed like this." But I sucked it up and did it. And I am SO GLAD. It's moments like these that remind us that we may never be that "perfect image" we want to be. But it's so much more important that we capture life as it's happening because you never know when it's going to change in the blink of an eye. When I am doing immunotherapy and am sicker than sick... I will be able to watch this video over and over and tell myself, "I will be her again. The lady who doesn't have the body she wants, but plays with her kids and has fun. Who spends more time kissing her kids than washing dishes. Who doesn't always have the perfect hair, but it doesn't matter,  because she's too busy dancing with her kids to notice. I am her. I will be her again." 

So thank you Taylor Ballam for your talent. And thank you Brittany Cascio for arranging it. From the very bottom of my heart. Thank you <3

{Fighting Melanoma}- The Dixon Family from Ballam Films on Vimeo.

Poem

I thought this balloon deserved its own special blog post because it was so sweet. My friend Steven wrote this on his balloon to send to heaven for me. Thank you Steven for your kind thoughts and your talent :)

In case you can't read it from the picture it says: 

Dear God, 

Please save my friend. 

Doctors say it's not the end. 

So bless her with strength to endure, 

If not that then how about a cure? 

Bless her family they're pretty upset. 

Please Heavenly Father, 

Save my friend Britt! 

Thank you STEVEN!

Balloons from Washington

We had the pleasure of spending 2 years in Washington and making some amazing friends. Leaving was so, so very hard. There have been many times through this trial that I have wished my Washington friends and family were here with me. Luckily we have made friends here.. but we still miss our Northern friends /family :) 

My Washington friends and family are so thoughtful and did a balloon release for me there since they couldn't be here. All the pictures brought tears to my eyes and made me so thankful to have friends like them. They have each touched my life and I miss them dearly! Thank you so much to all of you who stood out in the freezing cold to send a balloon to heaven for me!

Strangers

Throughout this whole ordeal I have had the amazing opportunity to come into contact with people that I probably never would have known without this trial. There is something so uplifting about a total stranger writing you and saying, "I'm thinking of you. You're in my prayers. Be strong." Every time I receive one of these emails it humbles me. It is such an amazing feeling just to know that someone who has no clue who you are cares. That they would stop for 30 seconds on their busy day and tell me that I matter. I can't thank all of you enough.

I had the pleasure of having one kind person recommend a song to me. I am so grateful she did. She said the song made her think of me and she's never even met me. I believe without a doubt that was pure inspiration because that song has been playing in my head ever since the first time I listened to it. It is called "The Waiting Place" by Calee Reed. Every word of that song touched my heart and think you all need to hear it! If I can figure out how to get it on my blog I will. I can also email it to you if you want. Just leave me your email. It's amazing and has helped me so much. And all because one stranger thought of me (of all people) and was kind enough to share it with me. Thank you Malissa!

Since the bad news last week I've had a hard time getting out of my funk. I've felt totally unstable emotionally and like functioning normally is just too much work. So today I wake up thinking I was going to skip church but for some reason I talked myself into going and could not be happier that I did. It was at church today I met someone that also has stage 3 melanoma and she shared her story with me. Sometimes for some odd reason it's so comforting to say, "Oh you too?" She got it. She saw the fear in my eyes despite the strong words coming out of my mouth. I had the strangest urge to just hug her and cry. It's the first time through this whole thing I've come face to face with someone who is on the same path I am. So, so thankful for our chance meeting today. My heart feels so much relief.

I would share every kind thing every stranger has said or done, but there are so many. And for that I am grateful. Thank you for pausing for a minute during your day to offer me compassion and love. I appreciate you all. I am so humbled by the thought that for whatever reason my story matters to you. Even if we are strangers. Your kindness has made us officially friends.