Results Eve

  Well here I am. The day I stressed and worried over for 6 weeks. Is it working? Is it worse? We'll know tomorrow. So no matter how little I sleep tonight, how much I worry, or how much dread I feel, tomorrow will come. I'll have an answer and a plan and life will go on. But to get to tomorrow, I have to get through tonight, and tonight is the killer.

  "Results Eve" is by far the most stressful time to get through in this whole cancer journey. You know something is coming. You just don't know what. It starts about the time your day starts winding down. You get through dinner, you tuck the kids in, you sit down to relax. BAM. There it is. The anxiety, the unknown, the fear. All of those emotions just sitting there waiting to crawl into your head. Be positive! Be hopeful! These are all things repeated to me over and over by loved ones and friends. Most of the time you can find many things to focus on that are positive. Not on Results Eve though. Not tonight. It's too real now. It's staring me in the face and anything hopeful I've found over the past 6 weeks quickly disappear.

  I'll tell you what eats at me the most. It's simple. My kids. I know that tomorrow I'll see them and they'll ask how the doctor went. They'll sit their with their hopeful innocent faces and I'll have to answer them. My answer will either cause them extreme joy or extreme devastation. There is no in between in cancer. Knowing that I face that tomorrow is what will keep me up tonight. It's why my pillow will be wet with tears. It's why I'll plead for hours with God to just give me good news. I'll beg, I'll bargain, I'll literally promise anything to just be able to give them good news tomorrow.

  Heartbreaks happen in life. My kids have many to face. When they don't make the team, when kids are mean, when their date is a jerk. It's coming. It's life. So my prayers tonight will be filled with pleadings that those are their heartbreaks. Not me. Just don't let their Mom be the one who breaks their hearts. I don't want to do it again.

But there's no escaping tomorrow. So ready, set, go. Ready or not, here it comes.

It Wasn't Supposed to Come Back

I had my first treatment January 3rd. I went into it fully thinking I'd fly though this year and it would be a breeze. 

Well shot that theory down within 3 days haha. 

I began having chest pains Thursday night and by Friday night was in the ER. Every time I took a breath it was like being stabbed by knvives. Luckily, it wasn't a pulmonary embolism and was just pleurisy. But good heck does that hurt. :| 

The days after that are when it started getting worse though. My entire body began aching and I was so fatigued I literally couldn't get out of bed. I'm not gonna lie, those few days I had a total pity party. I was pissed. How was I expected to get through a year of this? How could I keep everything together for an entire year without driving family insane with my constant need for help? A year is a flipping long time when you feel like crap. I was consumed by my irritation at my situation. Big pile of poo. Poor me. 

Then this happened today. 

Karston had drawn this on his easel. I asked him to explain it. He said,"That's you surrounded by broken hearts because you have cancer. The rest of them are our family and we are all sad about you." After crying for like an hour about this, I was finally able to snap out of my own misery. Having cancer sucks guys. But watching your kids hurt because of cancer sucks more than having it.

I wish my kids had no clue what cancer was. I wish they didn't know that ugly word and it didn't crush their innocent hearts. 

 Karston has asked many times who will give him loves if I die because I'm the love of his life. I've held each of my kids while they've sobbed and I can't find the words to comfort them. So I just cry too. 

"It wasn't supposed to come back", I heard Kambrie cry. 

She's right. 

It wasn't supposed to. At least not according to my plan. 

Realizing that there's a higher plan than mine has been the hardest pill to swallow. 

Accepting that I have no clue what that plan is is even harder. 

So what's the lesson here? 

Will I beat this? I have no clue. 

Can I beat this? I don't know. The odds are better than they were 4 years ago. 

Will I be one of the 24% still alive in 3 years? Maybe. Maybe not. 

So what do I do with this information? 

Well first off, I accept it. I accept that I don't know the outcome. 

Then I ask myself what do I want to learn from all this?

I'll tell you what I want to learn. 

Love more. 

Be kinder. 

Be there. 

Live in the present. 

Notice the good. 

Be the good. 

And at the end of this whether I've been given 3 extra months or 30 extra years, I just pray that because of this trial I'm a better person. That I had bad days but I always stood back up and found a way to laugh. That when my darkest day comes I will still find light. That no matter how angry I feel I will know that God is in control and I will accept his plan. And that I will be grateful for every single breath I took, Because we are not promised any of them. 

Melanoma Mama. Again.

I've had so many of you asking when I was going to blog again. I find great therapy in writing and blogging is a great place to update everyone in once place. So here we go again... :)

December 8, 2016. That's the day I found out melanoma wasn't done with me yet. I had made it through 3.5 years of being NED (no evidence of disease). This is a huge deal in the melanoma world. For those 3.5 years every scan I held my breath. Every scan I didn't sleep for nights before. Every scan I pictured the worst. Not this one though. I thought so little about this scan I forgot I even had them coming up. Danny was going to be out of town and I just figured I'd go alone. I'd get the good news, walk out of that office and move on with my life. I was finally at a place emotionally where I was ready to let go. I was alive. I had beat it. I knew it.

By nothing short of a miracle, my sister in law's insisted that I didn't go alone. Chemene and I laughed and joked the entire time. My usual anxiety before finding out my results was completely gone. It all changed the moment the doctor walked in the room though. Everything was different from the way they normally do things and I just knew. It didn't soften the blow though when she told me I had a mass in my lungs. I found myself sucked right back into that first moment in 2012. This time was worse though. So much worse. My worst nightmare had come true. If it's on an organ that means Stage 4. And no melanoma patient ever wants to hear those words.

The next two weeks were followed by a lung biopsy that confirmed it was melanoma. Next was an MRI to check my brain (clear thank goodness). Next came treatment discussions, side effects and survival odds. None of them are ever an appointment you would want to sit through. That I promise you. It's been a whirl wind but it always is a huge relief once a plan is in place. I start Keytruda on January 3rd. Infusions are every 3 weeks and it will last a minimum of a year.

I'm not able to quite express the devastation we have felt these past few weeks. It was one giant kick in the gut right when I was feeling like I had gotten through the worst of it. I however, can deal with anything they throw at me. I will get upset, I will go through denial and grief and then acceptance. After all that I will return to my normal Brittany self and crack jokes and deal with it in my "Brittany way".

The thing I can't get over is watching my kids be heart broken. The sounds of their cries when we told them will forever haunt me. The girls know the terrifying reality of Stage 4. I've lost 10 friends in the last year to it. The way I held Karston as he cried and asked, "Who will give me lovies if you die? You're the love of my life." I didn't even realize he understood anything.Those are the moments that break my soul. Trying to reassure your babies that everything will be fine when you are scared to death is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

We are scared. We are devastated and we are exhausted. But we are also hopeful. The melanoma field is changing rapidly and we have so much hope that things will only continue to get better with the treatments they have to offer. We have faith, we have each other and we have trust in God's plan. Even if I feel currently that I'd like to return this plan back to him. ;) Jk. See, there's that Brittany humor. I'm still in there.

XOXO to you all.

Less Than

I ended cancer treatment just over a year ago. In 100 years the memories will still be there. It never really goes away. I still remember the sounds, the smells, the nausea. The empty feeling that lingers deep down. The feeling of helplessness that comes over everyone's faces. It was a long and hard fight. I won.   

Some days I wonder who I'm kidding though. Won? No. Not me. I don't see a winner in the mirror. I see sadness. I see a broken and beaten body. I see everything I lost. 

Today I was brushing the hair on my head. I say that because it's not my hair. My hair was long and smooth and blonde. This hair is short, curly and brown. It's not mine. I didn't want this. 

As I was brushing my hair I saw some blonde hairs. I was elated! I had found "me"! "Me" was still in there. In the sea of ugly, plain brown there was beauty. I can't describe how excited I was. 

But then I realized something. Those weren't blonde hairs. They were grey hairs. Grey?! I don't have grey hair. That's not me. I was so mad I pulled them out. And then I began to cry. 

I sat down on the floor and cried. I cried for the beautiful hair I lost. I cried for the face I miss. I cried for who I've become. Those stupid stupid grey hairs. 

I have 3 kids. So crying time on the floor couldn't last long. They were pounding on the door like I had been in there for 3 hours instead of 3 minutes. Suck it up Brittany. You don't have time to fall apart. So off I went. 

Now they're in bed. The house is quiet and I can dwell on the heaviness that sits on my chest. I've thought all day about just why I was so upset over 3 little grey hairs. Is it because I'm feeling old? No. What is it? I realized it's not the hairs at all. 

What bothers me the most is how cancer has made me feel after. Cancer took something from me that I am not supposed to feel. We are not supposed to be vain. We are not supposed to say it out loud. 

Cancer has made me feel worse than just ugly. It has made me feel "less than". 

Less than the normal people around me. With normal hair and normal faces. Less than the people with normal health issues and normal worries. Less than is a horrible feeling. I try to hide it but it's really, really hard sometimes. 

So I started wondering why do I feel less than? Who told me I'm less than? No one has said that to me. No one has pointed and laughed at me. No one has told me I'm hideous. People are always so kind. 

Right after cancer treatment we up and moved to Texas. Imagine the most physically awkward time in your life. When you were in that horrible preteen stage and nothing worked together quite right on you. And then you up and move to a new place. Try making friends when you feel like an ugly duckling. 

That's me. 

That's what I'm going though right now.  I've had such a hard time because I'm trying to have people get to know me but I don't feel like my outside reflects my inside at all. I just went through this huge growing stage on the inside. I've learned new things, fought hard battles and become so strong inside for the most part. 

Not on the outside though. The outside needs work. I've lost every ounce of myself on the outside. I didn't want to, but I did. So what now? 

I want to feel sparkly on the outside. I know that's who I am inside. I want to see bright and happy. Bubbly and vibrant. Those things are me. That's who I am. Am I less than? No. I feel alive inside. I want to look alive on the outside now too. 

 

I realize this whole post might make me sound like a crazy lunatic. But I figure oh well! I made this blog to be 100% honest. I finished cancer treatment a year ago, yes. However, I am still dealing with the after math of cancer every day. Sometimes it's pretty, other times it's ugly. I choose to air both in the hopes of helping someone out there. :) 

Change

Lots of changes in the Dixon family.

We almost moved to Iowa..

and then Virginia was a possibility..

then we some how ended up in Texas.

All I know is there is no mistaking we are where we were supposed to be. The past year has brought us so many trials. However, the blessings that have come from those trials are too many to be counted.

 

 

I sadly had to leave the Huntsman behind when we moved. My new hospital is MD Anderson, 4hours away from where we live. Leaving my doctors at the Huntsman was an extremely hard decision. I grew to love them so much and I trust them immensely. Hopefully my new hospital will be just as wonderful.

 

Anyways, here we are. A new place, new friends, new job, new school, new everything. A fresh start is hard when we loved Utah so very, very much. There are so many that we owe so much to that we said goodbye to. So to ALL of you, our family, our many friends, neighbors, ward and last but not least.. Cache Valley for Hope, THANK YOU!! Thank you for helping us in every way possible, for the babysitting, the meals, the hugs, the kind words, the donations, the support and the love. Our lives are better because of you. We love you all.

 

And it's not goodbye. It's see you later. :)

 

XOXO from Texas 

1 Year

One year ago today I took this picture. About 10 minutes later the phone rang and my life changed forever.

 

Ever since then my life has been a whirlwind. Hospitals, chemo, being so very sick, tired, doctors, needles, 4 surgeries, ambulance rides, losing my hair and fearing for my life. It's also... been filled with kindness, wonderful friends and family, new friendships, a new perspective on life and lots and lots of love.

 

One year ago was the worst day of my life. But because of that day I've been blessed with so many of the best days.

 

So thank you cancer. Thank you for opening my eyes to so much goodness. Thank you for giving me a huge reason to celebrate life daily. Thank you for showing me just what I'm capable of.

 

You've changed my life in many ways and today I choose to focus on the positive changes rather than cry over the negative ones.

 

Happy cancer anniversary to me!!

The power of SEVEN

What's seven? Seems like a relatively small number. But it's huge when it refers to lives. 7 lives. That's how many people (that I'm aware of) have been diagnosed with some form of skin cancer because of my story. They heard my story and got their skin checked just to be safe. Their whole life changed because of that. 

These 7 people are the whole reason I started this blog. To make people aware. I never understood how serious skin cancer was until that horrible day I sat in the doctors office. I waited too long. There were so many signs and I ignored them all. So if I'm going to have this awful cancer I wanted to make sure I did everything in my power to educate people on skin cancer. It's not "just" skin cancer. It is a aggressive, fast spreading and preventable cancer.

I have had so many friends and family go get checked recently. Bravo to all of you. It makes me so proud when people ask me about sun screens, or tell me they've stopped tanning, or tell me they got a skin check. Thank you for making my battle not be in vain. Thank you for taking me seriously. 

You don't have to be a recluse. You can go out and enjoy the sun. Just be sun smart. Not sun stupid. One word my friends... Sun screen. Take charge. Be smart. Educate yourself. 

... And if you don't... Well I will see if you can get a room next to me at the hospital for chemo. Cuz that's where you have a HUGE chance of ending up. And no matter what you think, not even a tan makes chemo look good. 

Va-cay

Such a long absence from blogging! I took a little vacation.. Not literally.. Just a brain vacation :) 

Totally unintentional, but so needed. After I finished up chemo I was exhausted. Mentally and physically. I got out of the hospital and pushed all thoughts of cancer out of my head. I focused on recovering and spending time with my family. After spending months of only thinking about all things cancer, it was a necessary thing for me to do to fully recover. I'm still not 100% yet. I get tired really easy, sometimes my body still hurts.. But I am now a survivor!!!!! 

Chemo was awful. I'm not going to sugar coat it. It's by far the worst thing I've ever done. I would never wish it on anyone. I am just so thankful for all the love and support I had during it. I had so many people doing so much for me that it still makes me emotional. Without all of you, I am not sure how I would have made it through it. Now I just pray everyday that I never have to go through it again. Cancer stay gone. I have too much living to do! 

So what does life hold for me now? I have scans every three months. This is to check for the return of melanoma. Melanoma is extremely unpredictable and spreads quickly. Sounds simple, but when you're in my shoes, it's living life three months at a time. It's sighing a breath of relief and then realizing it will be short lived. It's waiting for that phone call. It's constantly waiting for it all to come crashing down again. So I just breathe. I smile. I laugh. I focus on what's right in front of me and try as hard as I can to live for today. For this very moment. That's all you can do when you have melanoma calling your name. 

Life is good. It's stressful, chaotic, hard and down right awful sometimes. It's also incredible, surprising and wonderful at the same time. I cry tears of sadness often but find joy in those who wipe them. I'm terrified for the future but grow so much in the journey that is taking me there. So yes, life is good. It's plain lovely.  

Remember Me

This is a post I've been trying to write for so long. I can't ever seem to get the words to come out right though. So I ignore them and some how the words bubble back into my head. I decided it was time to write them down even if they only sound right to me. It's time.

I'm coming to a close on the treatment side of my melanoma. No one knows how scary this is for me. I will then head to a world of scans and waiting. No one knows how scary the scans and waiting are. Even scarier than treatment.

When I'm doing treatment, I'm DOING something. Being proactive. When that's done... I spend the rest of my life waiting for that phone call I never want to come. Waiting for melanoma to show its ugly head again. For it to turn everything around all over again.

You can't explain what that place does to your head to someone who's never been through it. It's a dark and lonely place and I don't want to be there.

I don't know how this is going to end. You don't know. No one knows. My biggest fear lives in my head and haunts my dreams. My biggest fear is not dying. It's that my children won't remember me.

My kids are all still pretty young. Will they remember the little things? Like how I told them they were beautiful every single day? How we would dance in the living room? How we would speak to each other in accents just for fun? Will they remember the dresses I bought them just because I couldn't stand to say no? How I loved more than anything their faces lighting up? Will they remember how I tried to make every holiday so special even when we had no money? How I kissed them on the forehead every night? How I told them they could be anything in the world? Will they remember the dinners, the nights spent by their beds when they were sick, how I brushed their hair from their eyes, how I hugged them every morning? How I loved them so, so much and sacrificed everything for their happiness?

Or will I be just a picture on a wall? Of a mom who was taken from them too soon? Someone they remember from stories but have no real memory of. Will I be her?

No, despite how this blog sounds this is not me admitting defeat. I'm not giving up, I still have hope. These are just very real fears that I have and needed to get out.

My fear that I will love my children so much and they will never remember. The hardest thing I've ever had to accept is that just because I gave birth to all three of my babies does not mean I'm guaranteed to raise them throughout this life. Seems pretty unfair. But I will trust in my Heavenly Father's plan and pray that these fears are only ever that... Fears.

Chariots of Fire

"In the Gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of the veil and you must never forget that. When disappointment and discouragement strike... You remember and never forget that if our eyes could be opened we would see horses and chariots of fire as far as the eye can see, riding at reckless speed to come to our protection." - Jeffrey R. Holland

What a comforting statement. I bawled buckets after reading this quote. Not only have I felt the strength of the words on paper, I've lived through them. Our family has been the recipients of such kindness and love that it could only come from one place. I believe without a doubt I am surrounded every moment by angels. Angels who are guiding me, comforting me, holding me during a sob fest and whispering silent encouragement through every treatment. I am never alone. And that brings so much joy to my soul.

I often think of my loved ones who have passed on when I'm in the hospital. How they must feel sorrow for the battle that I'm facing but so much joy because it's bringing me so much closer to my Heavenly Father. I'm sure in the Eternal perspective this trial seems so small.

When my heart feels heavy I remember how much I'm surrounded by that I can see and others that I can't and I find great comfort. I am so thankful for my beliefs that this life is not all there is. From now on I will try to remember during my bad days that I need not fear. I've got chariots of fire racing my way.

The Loss of My Hair

I knew losing my hair would be hard. I just didn't know how gut wrenching it would truly be. The loss of my hair for me signified the total acceptance that I have cancer. It was my outward show to the world that yes, I am sick with something that could potentially kill me.

I knew it was coming. My hair had turned dry and lost all shine. Every time I would move my head I would have piles of hair every where. Then it started to hurt. Which is not something I was expecting. But it felt like someone was stabbing my head. I went upstairs and grabbed the clippers. Told my husband it was time. He was nervous. Probably because I was sobbing hysterically and acting insane. I begged him to just do it. To get it off my head. He finally caved and I took turn throwing up with every pile of hair that showed up at my feet.

My poor husband. I can't imagine how he felt. He was so strong while I fell completely apart. When it was over I clung to him and told him how sorry I was over and over because I was now ugly. He looked me in the eyes and told me I was so beautiful. I've never loved him more than that moment.

I didn't look in the mirror for four days. It nearly killed me the first time I did. But I'm ok now. I know it's temporary and I will one day have hair again. But dang you cancer for being so crazy hard sometimes.

I am Brittany and I am not my hair. I am beautiful, caring, funny and courageous. Losing my hair has helped me dig deeper within myself. I am going to be just fine.

Gall bladder is taking a permanent vacay

Stepping off the emotional wreck train... I go back into the hospital on Monday to have my gall bladder removed. This is to hopefully prevent any repeat episodes in the future.

If all goes well I will resume my chemo the following Monday.

So here's to hoping for smooth sailing and all things working out as planned for a change.

On a side note... A huge thank you to my husband for being the amazing person he is and rolling with any punches thrown our way. He never breaks, does anything asked of him and worries about me every second. He's incredible.

Another huge thank you to Danny's family. For his mom who jumped in the car an came right away to help us with our kids yet again no questions asked. For his family who rearrange their days to come sit with me in the hospital so I'm not alone. For his sister who has watched our kids far more than should ever be expected or asked. I love you all. I have no clue what we would do without any of you. Thank you so much.

I'm tired...

I'm tired. Really, really tired. I just spent another 5 days in the hospital from pancreatitis and now that I'm finally home I can't believe how draining the hospital is. Every time I come out of there I feel more all things sick. It's exhausting.

Today was the first day I looked in the mirror and saw a sick person. My eyes looked sunken in, my skin was ghostly white and my hair has lost all its shine. Getting ready to fall out any day now I'm sure. It's so hard to look in the mirror and see a shell of the person you used to be. What's even worse is you feel that same way inside too. Socializing is getting harder and harder. I don't feel up to much. I have no desire to talk on the phone. So I just look in the mirror and think, "Who is this person? Is she temporary? Will I ever find the real me again?"

I'm tired of this battle already and I'm not even half way done. I spend way too much time longing for future days when I go from a cancer fighter to a cancer survivor. The road between those two is much bumpier than I had anticipated. More tears, more feeling lost, and more anxiety than I ever saw coming.

I am so sick of leaving my kids. I feel so guilty. It eats at me in my sleep. I feel like I'm over pleading in my prayers to just let me be a mom. Let me be here. I was sooo excited for my week of no treatment to spend with my kids and I landed myself in the hospital the whole time. Every day I was in there I thought of them. I would close my eyes and picture what we would be doing if I was home. I could hear their laughs and feel their tiny hands. And then I would open my eyes and stare at the wall. And instead hear the beeping of heart monitors and feel the medicines burning my veins. It was then I would get angry. I would wonder what I did to deserve this. Ask why me? Wonder why life couldn't be more fair and just let me be with my babies. Wonder how I got into this mess and wonder if I was being punished for some past bad deed.

I am a cancer fighter and I'm tired. I have good days and bad days. I'm not perfect. I don't pretend to be. I am so strong and so weak sometimes. I hurt. I cry. I laugh. I smile through the pain. I have moments of pure clarity and moments of agonizing despair. I am fighting a monster that I don't know if I will win. But I'm fighting. For my kids, my husband, my family, my friends and myself.

There will come a day when I'm on the other side of this beast and I will remember that it only hurt so hard while I was fighting because I had so much to lose. So I will not be ashamed of my tears anymore. They come from a desire to live for everything I have. And that is not a bad thing.

Mom and Dad

Disclaimer: this post may come across as preachy and self righteous. It is in no way meant that way :)

I met a mother of a cancer patient at a dinner we went to and my heart broke for her. I hate having cancer. It sucks and there are days I wish I never had to walk this path. But there is one thing that is far worse than having cancer.. And that's having one of your babies have cancer. I simply can not imagine her pain. The night after I met her I came home and said prayers of thanks because that just seems so much worse. And then I prayed for peace for her and her husband. Their trial is so much greater than mine and my heart aches for them.

My mom has told me several times through all this that she wishes it was her. Each time I would just push it aside and be like, yeah right mom. After meeting with this sweet lady I had a new understanding of what she meant. I would go through literally anything if it meant saving my child. I would take on any amount of pain, any amount of sorrow, any amount of loss as long as it meant my baby wouldn't suffer. I know that sweet mother feels that exact same way as do my parents.

So to my wonderful parents both blood and step. And to my amazing siblings, grandparents, friends and family. Thank you so much for wanting to protect me. To shield me from this pain. Thank you for being so willing to sacrifice in the sake of my comfort and well being. It means more than you'll ever know that you would be willing to trade places with me.

Feel guilty no more that it's me, not you. (Their words not mine!) For whatever reason this is just one cross that I chose to bear. I don't want you to hurt. I don't want you to ask, "Why her?" Anymore. There's no point. It is me. And I am so blessed that I get to go through this trial with each of you by my side. We will fight long and hard and the rest is up to Heavenly Father.

This has all made me think of how Heavenly Father must feel as he watches us go through our different struggles. It would be so easy for him to just reach in and fix everything. But that's not the point. We are here to learn and grow, which can only be done by struggling and trials. Eventually we make it through and we end up a much better person than we ever set out to be.

So my dearest Mom and Dad, sleep in peace at night. I'm struggling and fighting. But at the end there's going to be one heck of a human left. Better and more compassionate than before. Cancer bow down, you're just one more trial I must crush before becoming great.

Picking up...

I know it's been forever since I last blogged, but things happened so fast after our insurance approval that I kind of got off track. To be honest once we did get the insurance approval I had a moment where I thought, "Oh crap. This is real. I have to actually do this now." I wasn't sure if I should laugh or cry. That's how blogging took a back seat. :)

The days leading up to the hospital were the absolute worst. There is just nothing worse than leaving your kids. I had severe anxiety over it and cried many tears. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love my kids... Saying goodbye for 5 days was pure torture. As I said goodbye to all of them I had thoughts I didn't want to think like, "What if this is the last time I see them? What if something goes wrong in the hospital?" It was awful. I tried to push those far from my head but it's not as easy as it sounds.

The hospital stay went relatively fast thank goodness. My mom was able to be with me which helped immensely and my husband and mother in law were at home keeping everything together. I did end up in ICU for three days, but in the end it all went as good as can be expected. So many amazing friends and family pushed their needs aside to sit with me, watch my kids and help in any way possible. I hope all of you know just how much that means to me. Facing trials without the people I have around me would be impossible. I am so blessed to have each of you.

Scars and Hair

My scar is looking better and better. 

My eye is still paralyzed though. 

Putting on makeup is quite the task.. 

I have to hold my eyelid up to put mascara on... and then hold it up until it dries. Otherwise I end up with a big black eye :) 

I keep waking up thinking, 'This is the day I'll be able to move my eye!"

Nope. Hasn't happened yet. Still holding onto hope though. 

I did chop my hair off in preparation for chemo. 

Not only is it going to fall out.. in the mean time it was beginning to become a huge hassle. 

Wearing it in a messy bun daily was giving me a rats nest on the top of my head. 

I still miss my long hair horribly.
Upside is now I can wash, blow dry and curl my hair in the time it used to take me just to blow dry it. 

So that part makes my life much easier. 

Ps. Emu oil is still working wonders on my scar! Just sayin'... :)

Three Things

I came across this picture on Pinterest and had to share. 

Hits so close to home and when I (finally) get into the hospital for treatment I am going to have this printed off and framed to bring with me. 

Never hurts to remind myself of these things when things get tough. 

Hope someone else can get some use out of it too. :)

Insurance Companies..

I'm not sure that I have enough words to describe my distaste for insurance scams companies. When we finally got insurance in December I was elated. I had no idea what a headache it was going to turn in to. When you're going through cancer, you have the weight of the world sitting on your shoulders. Throw insurance into the pot and suddenly you're fighting more than just cancer. You shouldn't have to explain to them why 3 more years matter. Anyone with half a heart should get it. I find it ridiculous that my oncologist says, "let's do this." And my insurance company says, "No." And that's the end of it. Why should they have the last say? They shouldn't. Insurance companies are what's wrong with America's Health Care. I could go on and on.. but I will stop. :)

So now we appeal and wait. If we get another denial, we will pursue other options of getting the treatment I want. All I know is I'm not giving up. I will not let some bully of an insurance company stop me from getting my best shot at living. 

Obviously, this all means I haven't started treatment yet. What a roller coaster. It is mentally and emotionally exhausting to prepare for something like this just to be told no at the last minute. It takes soooo much planning to have me go into the hospital for 5 days. So when the denial came in Friday at the very LAST MINUTE, I was needless to say... pretty upset. Jerks. Seriously. 

I will get to be here for Kynzee's birthday though. (Yay!) Because we had thought I'd be in treatment this week, we actually celebrated early.. but I will at least get to squeeze her and kiss her that day in person. 

When I was diagnosed with cancer I knew I was in for a fight. I just didn't realize how many things I would have to fight besides cancer. It's pretty unfair. 

Moving on now... Here's to hoping for a positive outcome from the appeal and we can get this ball rolling. Waiting is the WORST.

Just because it's so funny...

For anyone who knows my kids.. you know how extremely different they are. I know this is totally not "melanoma" related.. but it's so funny I had to share it. We took the kids ice skating for Family Home Evening and this was Kynzee's first time on the ice. She was all over the place the whole time. I thought should would improve.. but she may need a few more sessions ;)

They had so much fun and are begging to go back. I was really surprised Kynzee thought it was fun! haha Love spending time with my family and watching my kids try new things. Although I'm thinking maybe Kynzee should stick to dancing ;)

THANK Y-O-U!

What a whirl wind the past 3 months have been for our family!

We have been up, down and somewhere in between everyday. 

Even though some days have been rougher than others, 

we could not be more thankful for the love and support of each one of you. 

For the friends who call just to say hi, the neighbors who have gone out of their way daily to help out, the vendors who generously donated to the raffle, our family who drops everything for us, the many.. MANY anonymous acts of kindness that have touched us so deeply and for all the love, support and friendship.. we thank you so very much. 

Cancer has only taken physical things from us and when you're surrounded by the amount of love we are.. they no longer seem that important. 

We are humbled and honored to have been the recipients of such kindness and for new and old friendships. 

I read this quote today: "Heaven is under our feet, as well as over our heads."  ~Henry David Thoreau

I believe that without a doubt to be true. What we have experienced over the last few months is nothing short of pure Christ-like love. Brings tears to my eyes and warms my heart every time I think of all that has been done for us. All those things are what get us through the hard times.. I wish I had better words to express our gratitude, but I'm no writer.. so Thank You will have to do. :) 

PS. Thank you to the very talented and wonderful Cascio Photography for taking these pictures for us. And please excuse Karston.. he could not be persuaded to put down his sandwich and hold the "U". Have to roll with the punches with an 18 month old. ;)